Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Storage Hunters: A Guide for New Viewers

Over the past few months I've become very interested in a certain kind of reality television show. The premise for these shows is quite simple, people bid on abandoned storage lockers in an attempt to find a few valuable items so they can sell them for a tidy profit.

There's actually quite a few of these going around now. There's Storage Wars, about a group of bidders in California, Storage Wars: Texas, about a group of bidders in Texas (duh!), and the slightly different Auction Hunters, about a couple of guys who travel across America bidding on storage lockers.

However, the first show I saw using this format came courtesy of Dave, the home of witty banter, and that show in question is none other than Storage Hunters.

Those in the know will know exactly what Storage Hunters is all about, and that it's not exactly on the level, if you know what I mean (wink wink). But for those of you who have never seen this show before I'm going to give you ten tips to make your viewing all the more enjoyable.

1) No matter where the auction is held, Sean Kelly will always be the auctioneer. It doesn't matter if the auction is in Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Alaska, Swaffham, Trunch, Tehran, Moscow, the outer reaches of the universe or the inner depths of your mind, Sean Kelly will always be there to sell those units, mainly because he's the only auctioneer in the world!

2) If there's anyone vaguely resembling a celebrity in the crowd then they will definitely be acknowledged by auctioneer Sean, sometimes with a name call but most of the time with a fist bump.

3) No matter what the item, Sean will know someone who knows something about it, and he'll always be able to get them out to view it at a moments notice, no matter where they are. If the someone ever found an alien corpse then Sean would probably know someone from Area 51 who could offer an expert opinion.

4) You won't like anyone on the show, not even our regular heroes Brandon and Lori, because this show is fill of unlikable morons with no redeeming qualities. In fact they're all so unlikable you probably wouldn't be too disappointed if they found a chainsaw-wielding maniac in one of the lockers who took them all out within seconds of the locker being opened.

5) Brothers always come in pairs, and they are always evil. There will always be one tall and fat one and one short and fat one, and they will always have a deep seated hatred for all of the other bidders.

6) If another couple appears on the show as rival bidders, they will also be evil. Especially if they're younger and more attractive than Brandon and Lori.

7) There will always be a physical confrontation of some kind. It may just be a bit of jostling when the bidders are looking at the units, it may involve a stare down, and it may even involve fisticuffs. But no matter what happens there will never be an episode that doesn't involve a fight of some kind.

8) If an interesting item is found on one of the other shows a similar item will probably turn up on Storage Hunters. So if Jarrod and Brandi found the Holy Grail on Storage Wars then Brandon and Lori would probably find the Ark of the Covenant on Storage Hunters.

9) Bidders who are not named in any shape or form will never bid. They're just paid to stand there and look gormless.

10) There will always be one unit that cause everyone to gasp in amazement and take a few steps back. This always happens before a commercial break.

So if you're thinking of watching this show then hopefully my little guide will enhance your experience. But there is one piece of important information that you really should know.....

IT'S ALL FAKE PEOPLE! NONE OF IT'S REAL! THE SHOW HAS AN ARMY OF WRITERS!!!!!!

Enjoy your viewing.